Leading On Empty

I have heard that there is a book by this title out there. I haven't read, perhaps I should.

Today, I find myself in a very unfamiliar place. I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am, exactly, either. It's weird, it's frustrating and I don't like it.

Inside, for myself, God has given me peace through this time; however, and curiously, it seems as if this peace is only enough for me.

My pastor's heart is still beating and I desire to be the leader that God has called me to be but, I am struggling to get back into that leadership role.

God's Holy Spirit encourages me, yet, for the first time, I struggle with having the energy, the concentration and, sometimes, even the desire to encourage others. How's that for honesty and transparency.

So many times during the last month I have heard people comment about how strong I am. I immediately think to myself that they must be seeing me in a fleeting stronger-than-others moment.

So, if you ask me how I am doing, I will answer, "Personally, OK, but being the leader and pastor that I need and want to be? Not so good."

I find myself relying on the presence and power of the Holy Spirit more than ever before, which is a lot, because I always have relied on him - he's all I have.

This will be a long journey, but I will make it through Christ.